He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
