Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
