I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
