I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
