if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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