I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
