There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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