I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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