He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I need moral support for this bender
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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