just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
