drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
