My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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