Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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