Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
