i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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