Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
