I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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