I smell stomach acid.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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