his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
