they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
