turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
