You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
