You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
How external is "for external use only"?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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