toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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