Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
