i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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