I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
