decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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