my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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