I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
