she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
