You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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