We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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