I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
this boner is exhausting
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
