He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
