Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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