Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
