I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
