I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
