If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
