He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
