Im at strip club and am horny
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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