dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize