It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize