I checked into jail on foursquare
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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