Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
