I'm so fucking centered right now
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Randomize
