So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
