I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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