see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
