I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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