If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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