I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
