the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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