Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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