she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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