It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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