woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
