does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
