I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
