I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
